Welcome to Sburb
by aequilibrium
Summary: A terribly written fic about what would happen if John was Carlos and Dave was Cecil from WTNV. There is no plot. Only stupidity. Namely my own. Please enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: "Oh No, He's Hot"**

As John pulled into the dry and desolate town of Nightvale he felt a rush. Humid wind blow through his above average hair. Also something else. Something he couldn't quite place. Nostalgia maybe he thought to himself. Whatever this feeling was it was unsettling to our naive scientist. But this unsettlement, no matter how strange and new to him it was, also felt homey and sickly sweet. As he made his out of the bus along with his fellow colleagues, such as Jade Harley a particularly gifted engineer and physicist, the bus did not move, yet it disappeared. It almost seemed like it simply ceased to exist.

This feat marveled most of the scientist especially the spacial thinker, Jade Harley. After shrugging John went on his way with his colleagues towards where John would stay while in Nightvale. On the way there he passed many curious things: an abandoned dog park that he felt you should never enter, a waterfront area without any water, and a post office with a loud howling emitting from it. When John got to the lab it was in suitable condition. As John began setting up he decided to call a town meeting, telling one of your interns to spread the word amongst the populace. He told him to have it at 4:30 P.M. tomorrow.

John decided to check with Jade and her seismograph and what he discovered was strange: the town had constant catastrophic earthquakes. Later that day another colleague of Johns reported that the sun set ten minutes later than usual. And then even later, by means he did not wish to know, he also had reported to you that there is a house here that doesn't, technically, exist. This truly is the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S. John thought to himself.

As 4:30 approached more pedestrians came for the meeting, all normal looking people. Surely not the community of such an impossible city. As John began to speak about your latest finds a man stared at you with puppy dog eyes he couldn't help but find a little bit alluring. John had saw him walk in with aviators which he hadn't thought too much of, until he pushed them up over his bangs (Parting his hair in a way John thought was way too cute for a grown man.) revealing red eyes. He had red eyes. Now that was the kind of citizen you had expected to live here. As he kept staring at John, he started to stumble over his words but nonetheless John managed to keep his cool and finish his speech about the scientific finds better than he had expected. When he returned to the lab he couldn't help but think of the red eyed man. And as he thought of him more and more a voice came over the radio "A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Nightvale."

John had listened to the entire broadcast and the host had mentioned his meeting earlier and then began to faun over John and his perfect hair. The host then said he had fallen in love with John. While our scientific protagonist was flattered he didn't even know who this host was, let alone even begin to reciprocate these feelings. About twenty minutes John had started to feel sleepy. As the voice of the mysterious man droned on about restricted dog parks and waterless waterfronts John drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: " L"**

John woke up the next morning feeling hazy. He needed coffee. As he made his was through the lab to the tiny kitchen he found Jade already there with a pot. They exchanged small talk about what they thought of the town until John had asked about a particular radio show with Jade, unfortunately, knowing next to nothing except that the host was named Dave Strider. After pressing for more information that was not there John went outside and was promptly hit in the head by a dead cat falling at high velocities. As John looked up he saw a cloud. A Glow Cloud. He wasn't sure why but it felt like the Cloud needed capitalization. As more dead animals fell John ran back inside running towards his fellow scientists only to see them already daring each other to go out there with an umbrella and stay out there for as long as possible. After one of the interns accepted the Cloud began pelting him with large animals such as Bernese Mountain dogs or Golden Retrievers or even the stray oversized German Shepard. Needless to say John had to run out to save the poor intern while also taking one of the animals in for study.

As the various tests ensued, all oversaw by either John or Jade the de facto leaders since the actual head scientist was abducted yesterday by the city council, they found out there was no real cause of death. In the words of one of their new subordinates "It just kinda died, you know. Things like this happen all the time". After checking a few more of the flying fauna the results were all the same. The scientists all muttered about what they thought was happening until the intern said "Man, it's raining cats and dogs out there!" to which all of the other swiftly said things like "Get the fuck out." or "That was terrible." and then all of them sans John and Jade formed a mob and threw intern outside into the storm and locked the doors. Jade simply nodded in agreement and John shrugged and muttered "Meh". After deciding to find the Dave Strider in the phone book John called him to inform them of their findings on the cloud so he could tell the listeners about them. John decided it was best not to talk to Dave too much.

Later in the day larger animals started to drop from the Glowing Cloud. The intern was still outside but thankfully was shrieking less. John could've sworn he saw a dragon fall from the sky being chased by police cars one time. Oddly enough, the Cloud was avoiding the dog park. John guessed that even Glowing Clouds of dead animals didn't want to go there. At about 9 at night, John received a call from none other than Dave who was excited about finding a cat that was in the mens restroom. After a while of listening to Dave so happy, John started to feel relaxed and said things like "Mmmhmmm." or "Neat" or even a "Great!" every now and again. The call was a very nice one and John fondly regarded it for whatever reason.

Later that night John turned on the radio to listen to the show but he missed it and only caught the "Good night, Nightvale". Even later that night John, our ever astute scientific science man went to sleep just to wake up the next day like any other day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three "Hair Cuts"**

That day, John had planned a haircut because desert weather is hot and does not mix well with long hair. No matter how much the Dave admires Johns hair it was simple: function before fashion. As John makes his way towards the barber he notices a few dead animal carcasses rotting marked with red flags. John also notices that the Nightvale Daily Journal had cut their publication schedule on account of no being able to read except a handful. In fact, a few of John's scientists had lost their ability to read as well. When John finally made it to the barbers it is run by a potbellied man with a small mustache. The shop itself was located at the corner of Southwest 5th Street.

When the actual trimming began John heard wailing and moaning come from the clippers and the man, who was named Telly, said "Ugh. Again? How long are you going to scream?" and while it was still shrieking he began to cut John's hair to a much more manageable length. Even though the clippers bit Telly a few times.

On John's way home he received a few weird looks ranging from sorrow to anger and even grief. When John was back at the lab he heard that Telly, poor potbellied Telly, had been lynched for defiling sacred grounds. What that meant, John didn't know.

Later on in the night John received a call from Dave who was scared to death of something and pronouncing his undying love for him and saying how he wished they had more time together. Before he went to bed, worried but confused by the call, he received a text from Dave that read "jk lol". Since everything was alright John went to bed…

"WAIT NO! I GOTTA DO SCIENCE!" John wailed. Then John began a montage of science making many breakthroughs and curing many diseases. And all was well in Nightvale. Or so John dreamed.


End file.
